We weren’t sure what to expect but we really weren’t expecting what we got. We were there for a couples massage – a surprise birthday present from our nanny. Let’s go ahead and have a look at some of the pictures to set the scene:
The ambiance was…. hmmm… how to get this right. Kinda like a good mullet: business in the front, party in the rear. There were:
- massage tables but no towels
- rose petals mixed with a delightful assortment of colorful balloons
- a giant wall scene of a sunset plus a bonus giant plastic tub
I was more than a little surprised when two Colombian woman came right on in and asked us to get undressed and hop on the tables…. you know… not wearing anything and not covered by anything. No towels, no sheets. When they left the room I turned to Scott, “Um, what are you going to do?!” He looked at me with a big grin and dropped his pants. Ok. But aren’t there usually sheets or towels or… giant leaves maybe…. anything?! to cover the bits and pieces that need covering.
Scott and I have birthdays that are a pretty close together. That’s right folks – we’re defying all odds. We are…. 2 Geminis that are making a go of it. Everyone said it was impossible, but here we are. Each year on our birthday, our Alice (aka the kids’ ninera/nanny Yannet) finds a fun experience to give us as a present. This year she gave us a couple’s massage at a local spa and free babysitting so we could enjoy a school night out together.
I know it.
Pretty soon I’m going to have to do my own dishes and touch dirty laundry. I’m enjoying every single guilty pleasure.
The women went to work. After a surprisingly good massage, I was literally dripping in oil. Not necessarily a bad thing (until later in the story). Next we were told that we had some time in the in-room sauna. Ok. Nice. Getting off the table and across the tile floor was tricky. I left an oil slick in my wake, but I made it.
While we sat there sweating and laughing, the ladies came in several times to check on us. It was hard to know if the mood was meant to be Turkish bath “friendly catching up time” or romantic “Barry White” time. It was decidedly the former for me. I learned a valuable lesson in Jamaica one vacation many years ago…. I have to be laughing if I’m naked. Otherwise, it’s just weird to sit around like that. (The nudie community thing is not appealing to me despite my affection for an occasional streak.)
Next we were told it was time for the whirpool.
“Ok…. now things are starting to line up.” I know whirlpools. Whirlpools are goodness – even oiled up, sweating and only wearing undies.
On way into the tub, here comes handfuls of hot chocolate – not the drink, melted bars – being spread all over us. Alright… this is happening. Before I could say anything, I was covered in brown sticky. I love chocolate as much as the next person, however, you gotta give a girl a heads up before there is chocolate touching. That’s the polite thing to do… but ok, I can be a sport.
Here comes the whirlpool… *exciting*…. aaannnnd…. it’s cold. On purpose. It’s a cold whirlpool “to close our pores”. Different – very different. I sat down…. and of course the water became a chocolatey mess. Do people really do this on purpose? Not ideal. Scott got in and the water looked like bubbling raw sewage. Not only that, but the whirlpool had jet engines. Have you ever seen naked skydivers? Their skin flaps in the wind like undulating waves of “unattractive”. That happened to me in the pool.
I asked Scott to turn off the jets. Bad idea. Brown murky cold still water.
The ladies came back in delivering beer. Yannet is awesome – she knows I enjoy a cold beer and made sure it was part of the package. There is nothing less romantic than extra people in a room when you’re not wearing clothes and you’re cold. Sipping beer, laughing and discussing what could possibly be next, about 30 minutes passed and the ladies came into the room and let us know it’s time for a shower.
Standing up in the cold brown water, they turned on the overhead shower… and then they stayed in the room… while we were supposed to shower. I passed weird, paid my $200 dollars and put myself in Monopoly jail.
I made Scott go first. Just so we’re crystal clear – knee deep in brown cold water, hot shower coming out of the ceiling, naked down to our skibbies, covered in oil and sticky chocolate with 2 strangers in the room (looking at us).
I asked for soap. They don’t provide that.
I asked for a towel. They don’t provide that.
I started giggling and couldn’t stop.
You guys know I’m an ‘experience person’. I love a great story and I’m willing double down when most folks turn back. I thoroughly enjoyed last night. I laughed and felt awkward and went for it. Thankfully, Scott is so laid back he’s willing to follow me into hell wearing gasoline underpants (again and again and again).
Thank you Yannet – for giving us a few adult hours and being so thoughtful. ♥
I’ll leave you with this – what was supposed to happen in that room? I’m still not clear if it was kinky (beyond any place I could ever go) or if it was a legit massage place that just happened to be quirky as all hell. Probably won’t go back, definitely won’t bring the kids but I’m so so so glad it happened. I’m still laughing.